I should be back in the mental hospital, right now.
It started with a scream. A scream out for help. A scream for relief. A scream for a warning.
But those screams did not help one bit. Falling to the snowy ground. It's the holidays and I am having a break down.
I was suppose to be on my way to my boyfriends family Christmas. To be honest, I am not sure if I would have even made it there. How easy would it have been to go off the road. Much easier then taking not enough pills.
So I am sitting in the snow. Numb as fuck. I was there for a hour. Just screaming, crying, lashing out. Putting my face in the snow. Asking to be buried under it. Feeling like a piece of shit. That's all I ever feel like, now a days
I have never screamed so many negative feelings towards the family. My family. Yes, it felt amazing. But it wasn't enough. I was ready to die. That numb feeling of being in the snow was relieving. My uncle had to carry me, because I could not walk. My legs and feet were not working.
As my break down was not over, I sat in the car. With those cold pants on. Hoping to die from the coldness. Thinking about my friends, family, and loved ones. Not caring about death. I knew, today was the day.
As I walked to the bathroom I grabbed some water and my bag. In my bag, was my meds. I stayed in the bathroom forever. Telling myself I was a pussy. And then it happened. I swallowed all the pills I had. I sat there, with the biggest smile on my face. I was dying. And that feeling was more then amazing. My legs were numb and cold. I could hear my uncle outside the door. He had the feeling I was not doing good. I told my boyfriend I loved him and said goodbye. Unfortunately, he didn't realize I was saying goodbye forever.
I messaged my best friend my suicide letter. I knew she wasn't online, but I knew she was probably one of the worse person to say all this shit to. I can't even explain the feeling. It was mostly relief. After a little bit I tried to play it off as me going to take a nap. I messaged another friend of mine. Saying the best of luck, talking about her life.
I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. It was pumping so fast. And all I could do was smile. Goodbye world.
But no, the uncle realized I was out of it. I felt so high (but not in a good way.) Tears filled my eyes as he made me tell him what I had done. He was shaking. Through my tears I could see how scared he was. Like the other times I tried to kill myself. But I have never got this close to death.
Walking me to the bathroom he told me I needed to puke. Puke up the pills. I resisted as much as I could. After a while he told me, I didn't take enough to kill myself. I felt so fucking stupid. I started to cry again. Because I had failed. Because I wasn't going to die.
He had to teach me how to make myself puke. I have never stuck my fingers down my throat. I couldn't though. And most of all I felt like he just wanted me to puke so I wouldn't die. So I sat there by the nasty toilet, pissed off at myself. At the world. At the stresses in life. At my metal issues. And at my family for giving me this stupid problem that will never go away.
Nobody will ever marry me for me. Nobody will ever want to have kids with me. Nobody will be happy with me. Nobody has hope in me. Why not give up. I will have nothing to deal with. Yes, my friends and family will be heartbroken. But id be happier.
I had nothing in my stomach. So I had nothing to puke up. My uncle made me drink a ton of water and try again. He told me that I needed to puke. If I didn't the meds would hit me hard. I might be a sleep for a long time. And that he would have to describe what happened. I didn't want my family to know. I didn't want anyone to know. At one point my mom was in the room with me, before my uncle knew all this. I wanted to rest my head on her lap and past away.
But once again my uncle saved me. I puked up pink shit. My temperature dropped. Once again, I felt like I was going to die. I was hoping, But nothing happened. I fell asleep. My uncle told me I would stop breathing and he would wake me up. But you cant really stop sleeping meds from making you sleepy. He stayed by my side to make sure I was okay. Thank you. Even though you know I am not happy that I'm still alive. But I am grateful. I am grateful that I did not ruin my family Christmas with me dying. Or them knowing I tried to commit suicide. And most of all I am grateful that he stayed by my side even if his wife is wicked pissed at him.
And I am sorry for hurting everyone today.
It started with a scream. A scream out for help. A scream for relief. A scream for a warning.
But those screams did not help one bit. Falling to the snowy ground. It's the holidays and I am having a break down.
I was suppose to be on my way to my boyfriends family Christmas. To be honest, I am not sure if I would have even made it there. How easy would it have been to go off the road. Much easier then taking not enough pills.
So I am sitting in the snow. Numb as fuck. I was there for a hour. Just screaming, crying, lashing out. Putting my face in the snow. Asking to be buried under it. Feeling like a piece of shit. That's all I ever feel like, now a days
I have never screamed so many negative feelings towards the family. My family. Yes, it felt amazing. But it wasn't enough. I was ready to die. That numb feeling of being in the snow was relieving. My uncle had to carry me, because I could not walk. My legs and feet were not working.
As my break down was not over, I sat in the car. With those cold pants on. Hoping to die from the coldness. Thinking about my friends, family, and loved ones. Not caring about death. I knew, today was the day.
As I walked to the bathroom I grabbed some water and my bag. In my bag, was my meds. I stayed in the bathroom forever. Telling myself I was a pussy. And then it happened. I swallowed all the pills I had. I sat there, with the biggest smile on my face. I was dying. And that feeling was more then amazing. My legs were numb and cold. I could hear my uncle outside the door. He had the feeling I was not doing good. I told my boyfriend I loved him and said goodbye. Unfortunately, he didn't realize I was saying goodbye forever.
I messaged my best friend my suicide letter. I knew she wasn't online, but I knew she was probably one of the worse person to say all this shit to. I can't even explain the feeling. It was mostly relief. After a little bit I tried to play it off as me going to take a nap. I messaged another friend of mine. Saying the best of luck, talking about her life.
I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. It was pumping so fast. And all I could do was smile. Goodbye world.
But no, the uncle realized I was out of it. I felt so high (but not in a good way.) Tears filled my eyes as he made me tell him what I had done. He was shaking. Through my tears I could see how scared he was. Like the other times I tried to kill myself. But I have never got this close to death.
Walking me to the bathroom he told me I needed to puke. Puke up the pills. I resisted as much as I could. After a while he told me, I didn't take enough to kill myself. I felt so fucking stupid. I started to cry again. Because I had failed. Because I wasn't going to die.
He had to teach me how to make myself puke. I have never stuck my fingers down my throat. I couldn't though. And most of all I felt like he just wanted me to puke so I wouldn't die. So I sat there by the nasty toilet, pissed off at myself. At the world. At the stresses in life. At my metal issues. And at my family for giving me this stupid problem that will never go away.
Nobody will ever marry me for me. Nobody will ever want to have kids with me. Nobody will be happy with me. Nobody has hope in me. Why not give up. I will have nothing to deal with. Yes, my friends and family will be heartbroken. But id be happier.
I had nothing in my stomach. So I had nothing to puke up. My uncle made me drink a ton of water and try again. He told me that I needed to puke. If I didn't the meds would hit me hard. I might be a sleep for a long time. And that he would have to describe what happened. I didn't want my family to know. I didn't want anyone to know. At one point my mom was in the room with me, before my uncle knew all this. I wanted to rest my head on her lap and past away.
But once again my uncle saved me. I puked up pink shit. My temperature dropped. Once again, I felt like I was going to die. I was hoping, But nothing happened. I fell asleep. My uncle told me I would stop breathing and he would wake me up. But you cant really stop sleeping meds from making you sleepy. He stayed by my side to make sure I was okay. Thank you. Even though you know I am not happy that I'm still alive. But I am grateful. I am grateful that I did not ruin my family Christmas with me dying. Or them knowing I tried to commit suicide. And most of all I am grateful that he stayed by my side even if his wife is wicked pissed at him.
And I am sorry for hurting everyone today.