My head is full of questions. Question after question. My mind is over wheeled with these questions. On these days, none of those questions are positive. Questions like; what am I doing with my life? When will I have a good guy? When will I be able to pull myself out of this depression? Will I ever finish my diploma? Will I finish college? When will I die? Will I kill myself? Will somebody shoot me? What does my family think about me? What does he think about me? Will I ever travel the world, like I want to? Will I follow my dreams? Will they hate me? Will I ever have a good job? Will I become homeless, after college? Will I find love? Will I marry a gorgeous, hard working man, that truly believes I am not crazy? Do you think I am crazy? Will this man treat me right, maybe even like his queen? I deserve that, right? What do I deserve? Will I scare away this guy, I am really into? Will my aunt and uncle feel like I am ungrateful of them? Will my life be better of worse, If I move? Will my stress level fall back down again? Why is it that I am the happiest person one day and then next I can't even get out of bed. Will things work out? Will I be happy again? How is it that my bipolar, is like two different people? Is one personality jealous of the other. I mean, once I get really happy- I get really depressed. Will I get to meet this guy? He seems great, but I am probably not his type. Am I? I want to date older men, because they are more mature. I am sick of these high school boys that think it's okay to treat women like shit. I know I have my crazy times, but I am just a broken girl. I am wicked nice and I let people walk all over me. My self-confidents is low because of the men in my life. Starting with my father, who told me I was a horrible daughter. And second my mother, she doesn't want me. Maybe at one point she did but now that I am getting older and realizing how fucked up my life has been. It just makes me sad. I just need friends and a good man to show me that I am a great person. I feel like moving out would be a good thing for me. Others do not. I need a friend and I need my sister. And most of all I really would like a nice man. I just want to feel loved. My heart is broken. Not only because of my exs but because of most people in my life. I need new people in my life. Family will always be family. And I know that they will always be here for me, but I feel as if I need to get away for a little bit. I need to find the real Mercedes. And express it to everyone. But I am scared of all that. I care too much about how people think about me. Stupid anxiety! When will I be happy again? Will it be at the end of this? Will it be tomorrow? I fucking hope so. I have to much to do tomorrow. Is it weird that I want to meet you? Can you show me how to have fun? It can be the most simple thing. I just need someone to hold me and tell me that it will be okay. It can't just be anyone. Is it weird that I feel like I am not your type? I am just being crazy/ lonely. I do not think so, others probably do. I want to tell you but I am scared. I know I am confusing. That's how my mind works. That is probably why I get so stressed out. These questions hit me so hard, that I get over wheeled. And I have no idea what to do with myself. The only time these questions are gone, is when I am sleeping. I don't know about others having depression, but I think we sleep so much to keep our minds turned off. That chemical imbalance in our brain needs to relax. Or at least my mind needs that. Or maybe I am way wrong and letting the depression get to me. I want these questions answered. And I don't want to be lied to. Even if they are white lies, I don't want them. I want to know the truth about myself. I want my life to be full of the truth and happiness. I understand we all have bad days, but why do I have to have so many of them. Like I said before I feel like two very different people in one body. Maybe this is what it feels like to turn from a teen to an adult. Well at least the beginning of being an adult. What if this is all wrong? And I am just filling my head full of stupid questions? I just want people to tell me positive stuff about myself. Are there anything positive? Can I meet you and find myself? Can I take an adventure with you. Give me a chance. My family probably has no idea who I am talking about. And to be honest I don't want them to. I want to find happiness, with out them inferring. And when the time is right, they will meet you. Why do I scare people away? I want to be the most open person I can be, but to society my personality is to crazy for them. And that is why I feel crazy. It is all societies fault. Why can there be more peace and love? Why can't I find somebody that understands that I am not as crazy as I write/ talk about? Yes, I do have theses days. The only thing that could help is knowing that some one actually like me for who I am (not including family.) I do not want guys to like me because I have huge tits or I enjoy sex. Fall in love with my good-girl-outgoing personality. And for the bonus you get a wild redhead girl that loves sex and enjoys pleasuring my man. There is always going to be something that you do not like about someone. And I just hope that my love of my life, will be understanding about my depression. Ugh now I am all worried that people think I am crazy. I am not crazy, I am just broken. And need someone to show me that I should not worry about others, because I am the only one that matters to him. Will I ever find that type if guy? Could it be the one I like? I do not really know him, but I do want to get to know him. I feel like I can tell him anything so far. Patients Mercedes and keep smiling. Things will get better. Remember to keep positive.